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sextalk-december-4-2016

December is always a time-traveling month for me. I not only look back over the year (to make sense of where the time went) but December’s also my anniversary month so I get to look back over the 28 years I’ve spent in recovery. You can’t have perspective without time passing. I couldn’t tell you what was on the wish list I wrote during my first year clean. Probably a lot of things I wanted or wanted to achieve. Nowadays when I travel backward over the years what I see are not the outside changes but the inside ones. It’s funny how that happens. The concept of a relationship with myself and personal growth wasn’t even on my radar back then. Why would it have been – I’d felt lost from myself my entire life. I didn’t know this then of course. All I knew was that drugs made me feel right.

SEX TALK is another place I time travel to support each month’s topic. I always remember speaking at a meeting in Hollywood California when I had around 9 months clean. In my filter-less way I started questioning if I’d been presenting a public persona built around my sex life to hide my true self in. It was a weird and embarrassing share to say the least and I was horrified when I finally stopped talking. Ugh – vulnerability! Afterward many people took me aside to thank me and share about their own confusion around their relationship to sex and secrets they feared would get them loaded. I learned that day – unintentionally – the strength in vulnerability and how we heal one another when we expose our own truths.

This brings me to our final topic for 2016: Has Recovery Changed How You Talk About Sex.

When I was thirteen my mom came into my room to have what she called “a talk about the birds and the bees”. Yes – I am quoting her. You can only imagine how uncomfortable she was and how awkward it felt for me to have her in my personal space this way. I put a quick end to her misery by telling her I already knew everything. I said my friends told me and they told us at school. She looked relieved but I don’t have any decades’ old memory footage from that moment on. The memory triggers sadness because by cutting her off like that I cheated us both out of a conversation that may have set the stage for deeper bonding and honest communication into adulthood. It wasn’t until I had several years in recovery that we began learning how to communicate with one another.

Despite what I told mom that day, I didn’t know anything about sex other than that a few of my girlfriends in the drug fueled crowd I hung with were sexually active. Two of them would give birth before their 8th grade graduation. I had boyfriends but no one ever tried to get further than first base. I’m thankful now but at the time I remember thinking “Why doesn’t anyone want me the way they want my girlfriends? What’s wrong with me?” When I finally did have sex at 14 I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could get home to phone my friends. I hated that virginity had become a thing that separated us and I just wanted to get it over with. My younger brother lost his virginity at 17 to his long-term girlfriend. He told me they planned the evening and he and wanted it to be very special for both of them. It never occurred to me people did this. It seemed so sweet and thoughtful and intimate. Very unlike me seeing virginity as a cross to bear.

Friends in recovery are starting to talk to their kids about sex. I’ve witnessed two things – either they go into the same denial like their parents had and can’t accept the possibility that their kid is sexually active or else they’re determined not to make the same mistakes their parents made. Allowing for privacy while creating a safe judgment-free environment for their kids to talk to them about sex seems to be the winning formula. But even this is not without hitches because kids often hear what they want to hear. I’ll go into more detail on Sunday at Sex Talk.

In recovery we learn from one another how to talk about sex – with our parents, our friends, our kids, and our partners. I look forward to seeing and hearing you this Sunday at 9pm. The flyer will appear on the home page of In-the-Rooms all day Sunday with a link to the meeting.

Happy Holidays.

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Patty is a nationally recognized certified recovery coach and writer. She lives in New York City.

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